When I hear the word "attachment" I immediately think of attachment parenting. When my kids were born, attachment parenting was bubbling up as a trend in child rearing; it pushed back against the notions of authoritarianism and emotional detachment that had become the norms back in the olden days when I was little. I have a tremendous amount of respect for people (like many of my friends) who have adopted various degrees of attachment parenting. However, for the most part, I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Instead of co-sleeping and breastfeeding voraciously, I sleep trained my babies with the discipline of a drill sergeant and weaned them at six months old. I have always felt like attachment just wasn't my thing, as much as I've admired it in others, and I've always harbored a certain degree of mom guilt for giving up on the principles of attachment parenting.
In the last little while, though, I've turned my significance-seeking brain toward the idea of attachment, wanting to know more. This was prompted in part by one of my delightful yoga mentors, Elizabeth Turner, who asked us during one practice to abandon our attachment to ideas about how we should look, or how flexible we should be, in particular poses. I've also heard thoughts about attachment echoed in Buddhist teachings, which often describe attachment as the root of all suffering. So, which is it? Good? Bad? Beautiful? Ugly?
It turns out that the Oxford English Dictionary provides several definitions of the word attachment that are inherently contradictory. Attachment is both an addition and a deduction; it is both a commitment to, and a taking away, of something that is valued. Unfortunately, this confuses rather than clarifies things for me (curses on the Oxford English Dictionary, which I have steadfastly counted on to help me sort things out). However, this reminds me that I'm perpetually looking outside myself for answers rather than within. I'm starting to understand why my students have had such a hard time with reflective practice. It's because it's damn hard.
Difficulty aside, I've realized that I've started to see some patterns about attachment in my thinking and learning so far. In my post about remembering myself, I explored how my attachment to pieces of my identity weren't actually authentic. I was an early riser because of my attachment to the idea that getting up early was something productive people did. I was a runner because I attached that activity with my identity as an athlete (the photo is me running my first half marathon in Jamaica - something I'm proud of but would never do again because I don't really like running at all). In my review of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (part two) I pinpointed my attachment to the idea that I was right about the causes of my chronic pain (and everyone else was wrong).
Well, as long as I'm interrogating myself I might as well go for it. Some other unhealthy attachments that I've maintained: that I needed to have tenure at a prestigious research university in order to be a pre-eminent scholar; that the health and well-being of my family is entirely my responsibility; that I need to work incessantly in order to live up to my ideas about a "good" work ethic; that I need to solve everyone else's problems in order to deserve love and affection; that I must be future focused and pursue my goals relentlessly in order to be successful; and that striving and ambition will bring me fulfillment. And that's just the beginning. Oh boy.
I can clearly identify the unhealthy attachments now, and it's evident that I am more likely to become attached to identity-focused ideals rather than to stuff. One step forward. Now, how do I let go of those attachments? I don't believe in the Buddhist extreme of complete non-attachment; healthy attachment, I think, should generate meaning and purpose. So how do I discover those healthy attachments and adopt them as my implicit commitments rather than the ones that perpetuate my distress? I don't know how to answer this yet, but I'm willing to try.
#thesignificanceproject #significanceproject #significance #attachment #ElizabethTurner #nanaimoyogasanctuary #buddhism #nonattachment
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