I had my first conversation with a critical friend! I will keep her identity private for now, so let's call her... Nicole. It's been a while since we last saw one another, so meeting Nicole for coffee and a long walk was delightful for many reasons, not the least being that she effortlessly and graciously offers me both challenging questions and gentle encouragement.
I took several great nuggets from our conversation, but I noticed that one particular thread was retrospective in nature. In my attempt to speak coherently about where I'm at now, I went backwards first. For example, when Nicole asked me about my claim that I'm not even sure if I like the academic discipline I've chosen, I spent some time struggling to figure out how I actually chose it. At the time I started my PhD, I was working at a full-time job that I enjoyed, with fantastic benefits and rewarding outcomes. Then, I was offered a really good scholarship, along with a plea from a professor that I respected to pursue my PhD. On reflection I realize that I thought the decision at that time was about the scholarship, not the area of study. When I determined that I would still make enough money to keep my family afloat while I was a full time student, I immediately said yes. In one of my many unflinching moments of certainty, I quit my job, enrolled in the PhD program, and within ten days I was a student again.
I think many, if not most, of my big life decisions have been like this; I've navigated a winding path of doorways that happen to open in front of me, deciding each time (without a lot of critical thought) that it's worthwhile to step through them. In this way, I've wound up at a spot in life that is so dissimilar from the passion and pursuit of my youth that I hardly recognize myself. I see now that this is one of the big sources of my current uneasiness. But, as our conversation skipped along, Nicole helped me to acknowledge that although this understanding about my decision making is important, now I need to let it go. I realized that I've become quite mired in the past, wondering how different choices may have yielded more intrinsically rewarding results, and being quite unkind to myself about it in the process. The thing is, it doesn't really matter. What's done is done.
And here I am, in a place of tremendous privilege, where I can take the time I need to move forward more mindfully. It's a little bit of a miracle, really. As I look around me, all the (metaphorical) doors are closed, but perhaps that's a more interesting and exciting place to be. I'm trying to give up my habit of worrying -- about money, security, purpose -- and instead focus on pushing some of the doors ajar. I really want to know what happens behind those closed doors, because there's a chance that I might fit behind one of them.
As this realization rolls out in front of me, I understand where my work is. I need to find ways to mitigate my anxiety, which is more about my fear of missing out than anything else. So, exploring yoga, meditation, and mindfulness practice is important. I need to take some chances to try new stuff that I haven't done before. So, my commitments moving forward are to do my yoga teacher training, to further develop my photography skills, and to start cold calling in the community to find out where there might be work that's a good fit for the most authentic version of me.
The uncertainty makes me nervous, but I'm going to do it.
#significance #significanceproject #thesignificanceproject #criticalfriend #selfstudy #closeddoors #opendoors #opportunity #dosomethingnew
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