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Remembering myself

I'm starting to remember myself. No, I don't have a brain injury that's made me forget. I'm not sure how it happened, but over the years I think I've become someone, something, that I'm not. I know this sounds a little bit meta and possibly self-deprecating, but it's not. I'll try to explain.

I've spent a lot of time looking at this photo recently. The kid doing the headstand is me, maybe eight or nine years old. It's my grandpa and my sister looking on, big smiles on their faces. I don't remember this moment in time, but when I look at the picture I think that I must have been feeling joyful. I mean, look at me - I'm doing a headstand! I wasn't even worried enough about falling to do it in front of a wall.


I want to be that kid again. It's not about avoiding responsibility or showing off for others (although I did my fair share of those things over the years). It's more about knowing what I'm capable of, combined with an intrinsic sense of what might bring me joy, and acting on it. I this photo I was unapologetically myself, and I was definitely having fun. I have forgotten how to do both of those things.


This has not happened due to one simple or straightforward cause. Yes, for lots of years I got lost in my work. I got caught up in trying to manage a life of familial responsibility. I spent a lot of time worrying about things that were beyond my control and to influence things that were beyond my sphere of influence. But, I don't think that any of these things alone cause a person to forget about fun, to forget who they are. As I've reflected on this, I've realize that maybe, somehow, I tricked myself into doing things that don't actually resonate with who I am.


How does a person trick oneself? Maybe an example will help. For most of my adulthood, I have described myself as a morning person. I have habituated the act of getting up super early to be the first one at the breakfast table, the first one at the office, and the first one outside for a run in the morning. But, since I've had a few months to simmer down and really listen to what my body's telling me, it turns out that early mornings are not really good for me at all. My cognitive function is at about 10 percent capacity before 8:30 am and it's like I'm walking through a fog. If I get up too early I even feel sick to my stomach, no matter how much sleep I've gotten.


So why have I tortured myself for all of these years by adopting an "early bird" identity? I think it's because I believed at some level that that's what successful people do. They get up early to tackle the day; the early bird gets the worm and all that. It's something that I valued, but was not physiologically well-equipped to do. By the way, I don't run any more either, because it turns out that I hate it. I ran because I associated that with what fit, driven, capable people do. But I am fit, driven, and capable - and I don't run.


If I've tricked myself into doing things and being things I'm not, how do I trick myself into doing things and being things that I am? How do I figure out what brings me joy? I've decided to begin with what I have on hand: my family, my friends, my pets, my local community, the mountains, and the ocean. I'm also going to say yes to things that I normally wouldn't consider. For example, I've been humming and hawing for years about doing yoga teacher training, but always talked myself out of it. Yesterday, I said yes to it and registered for a 200 hour teacher training program. It will give me another chance to try the headstand all over again.







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