In part one of my review of Mark Manson's book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, I promised to work through some of his recommendations in this very public forum. You may have noted that a few days have passed, in my embrace of what might have been avoidance. This is hard work, and there's a rather substantive part of my psyche that doesn't want to do it. But, enough. Here we go.
The image you see here is an MRI scan of my torso. You see, for half my life I have lived with a range of symptoms that at one point led to a diagnosis of Colitis, and much later to an additional diagnosis of a Crohn's Disease. A few years ago, my symptoms got really bad. I was in a lot of pain, pretty much all the time, and I struggled to keep up with my work and home lives. My days were characterized by crippling fatigue, persistent abdominal pain, unpleasant gastric symptoms, migraine headaches, and, most recently, accompanying pain in my muscles and joints. I desperately wanted to find some answers that might help me address this situation, or to at least take some kind of action. I was relentless in my pursuit of diagnosis. Every test that my specialists requisitioned came back normal. The last one was this MRI, which shows a very healthy 40-something internal landscape, with the exception of the inflammation from my bowel disease. I was still convinced that there was something else going on, and at some level I believed that the health care system was incompetent, or at least excluding me from further testing because they didn't believe what I was reporting about my pain.
What does this have to do with Manson's suggestions for generating self awareness? Well, one of the things he proposes is that you voluntarily subject yourself to constant questioning about your thoughts and beliefs, including asking yourself:
What if I'm wrong?
What would it mean if I were wrong?
Would being wrong create a better or worse problem than my current problem, for both myself and others?
Let's use my scenario above as a foundation for the exercise. So, what if I was wrong? What if there was really nothing physiological that was causing my over-the-top pain? What if, instead, it was about cognitive or emotional distress, or even (dare I say it), depression? What if all my medical professionals were doing their best to help, and I was doing them the disservice of persistent and unfounded disbelief and skepticism?
Next, what would it mean if I were wrong? What would it mean if I were wrong about my belief that there was something else, something insidious, going on with my physical health? It would mean that there was a different cause of my pain, something not visible on an MRI. It would mean that my doctors actually did have my well-being in mind and that the work was mine to do, not theirs. It would mean that I had been behaving in a way that was stubborn and self-absorbed.
Finally, would being wrong create a better or worse problem than my current problem, for both myself and others? It's a bit of a no-brainer and I can't believe I haven't considered it before. It is far less likely that all the medical professionals I consulted with were wrong and I was right than the other way around. The problem of my pain becomes much better for those around me if I were wrong. The problem does not become less complex for me, but it does become more manageable to tackle.
What it comes down to is that, if I invest my energy in blaming other people for not solving my pain issues, the energy is directed in a way that actually hinders my exploration of significance. There are other options that will be more productive in the long run. I don't absolve the medical system of all responsibility to help me when I need it, but the bulk of the responsibility is mine.
There (exhale). I did it. I'll sit with this a while (and likely take a nap), and then I'll report back on how I'll follow through. Deal?
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